From the Bottom Up!

In the short time Colleen and I have been running The Gypsy Project together, I've gotten to know quite a few people in Chilliwack and a lot of them are down and out, some of them addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes, homeless or any combination of those. It often seems to me that there's always someone who has it worse off than we do, and for whom even the basics of life can be a challenge. I find myself shaking my head at so-and-so's latest all-day drinking binge, or watching another person on their hands and knees, searching the ground intently as they frantically scatter small stones and debris, looking for the tiniest bit of white that could mean their next fix. Time and again, I see hookers leaning by the sides of buildings, waiting for a john to pick them up.

All of this sometimes makes me question why are they not trying to better themselves, or why don't they seek help, especially if they know things are out of their control. I can't imagine that this was what they want for their lives, that they planned that things would go this way. Nine Inch Nails said it best when they sang, “You can have it all, my empire of dirt.” I think the answer to my questions lies in our nature as sinful creatures. We are taught that the world values hardiness, self-reliance, and perseverance in the face of adversity. We fight tooth and nail to be independent, free from reliance on others or charity. We have learned, from the time Adam & Eve were cast out of Paradise, that we must struggle to get everything we have. Sometimes that has meant doing what we have to do to survive, even if it goes against what we know to be right.

Many people wonder why there are so many bad things happening to us in this day and age. They say, “Where is God? Why has He abandoned us?” The truth is, he hasn't abandoned us. The best way I can illustrate this is by telling you something evangelist Billy Graham's daughter, Anne Graham said. She was being interviewed on a talk show and the interviewer asked her how God could let something like Hurricane Katrina happen.

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. Being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

I've had a song on my mind for about two weeks. Normally this is nothing to worry about, but this song is rather dark and painful, as opposed to the songs the Lord usually has me singing with praise to Him. I believe the reason that it's been there so long and so persistently is that God wants me to draw something from that song, that He wants me to take something from it for all of you that is from Him. The song is a cover of the song 'Hurt' by a band called Nine Inch Nails. The version of the song I was listening to was done by Johnny Cash. I'm going to play that song for you now. As I play this song, bit by bit, I'm going to pause it and try to explain what God has given me to tell you about this song.

Clip 1 – “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”
When I was living in sin, I know that I often felt empty emotionally. I tried to feel rage, shame, or sadness, but there was nothing, nothing at all. I know that sometimes when people feel that emptiness, they hurt themselves, hoping to prove to themselves that they can feel anything, wanting to at least feel something inside, even pain.

Clip 2 – “I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real”
I also know that at times I've clung to the pain and despair I feel, because it's real to me. When you're in the depths of addiction or sin, it's often hard to know what is real and what is not, especially if drugs or alcohol is involved. This also applies to depression and sadness, as it's hard to know if I'm feeling depressed, or if I'm really angry at something and can't do anything about it, so I cover it with depression. This allows me a way to deal with it, either chemically or socially.

Clip 3 – “The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting”
The one thing I always remember people telling me about addictions, and something that's true about sin as well, is that it's familiar. It may be painful, but it's the kind of pain that becomes like an old friend, a blanket with which I can cover myself.

Clip 4 – “Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything”
In life, bad things happen to us. People die, people leave, people hurt us, we all suffer pain in one form and at one time or another. We try to bury that pain with needles, a bottle, pills, depression, cutting ourselves, and many other ways. We still remember, though. The pain doesn't ever go away for long.

Clip 5 – “What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I love, goes away in the end.”
We're afraid, I'm afraid. We all feel fear, afraid that we'll lose everything that's important to us, everyone that means something to us. Some of us have already lost everything and everyone to our sins, our addictions. Sometimes people die or leave us, or they abandon us as being hopeless. We feel left behind, cast aside like something old, torn, and dirty.

Clip 6 – “You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.”
I used to wonder what my life amounted to, what I had done or accumulated during my life. It used to be that there were times when I couldn't think of a single thing that I had accomplished with my life, not a single difference I'd made. I often felt like a failure, that I had let others down. We feel like no matter what we do, we're destined to fail, time and again. The people we care about the most we end up pushing away or hurting with our actions, our selfishness, our sin.

Clip 7 – “I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.”
We often blame God and others for our misery, hating Him, angry that He would abandon us when we needed Him most. We blame others because we feel persecuted by the world and by people who don't understand us. They don't understand what we've been through. We feel that everyone should take pity on us, even if we refuse to ask for their help. Sometimes I felt like my mind was a million places at once, scattered and unfocused. We wonder why everything seems to be rushing around us, like we're stuck in a whirlwind.

Clip 8 – “Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here.”
Eventually, we forget what we were so angry about, why we felt so abandoned, so wronged. We simply don't feel anymore, the old emptiness is back and we watch others go through their lives while we go through the motions.

Clip 9 “If I could start again, a million miles away.”
We want to leave it all behind, to become someone else, someone new. We somehow hold onto that hope. Even when we hit the bottom of the bottle or the end of ourselves and we look around and all is dark, we hope that there is a way out.

Final Verse ”I would keep myself, I would find a way.“
God is that way. He offers us a new start. He sent His son, Jesus, to take that pain from you, to take that weight off your shoulders, to walk beside you and lead you throughout your life.

God doesn't want us to live like this. It hurts Him when we live lives that cause us pain. He asks us to come to Him and He will take care of us. It often takes us hitting the bottom before we're ready to give God a shot. After we've tried it our way and reached the bottom, when all we can do is look up to Heaven and reach out to Him, He shines His light down into the depths of our soul and reaches a hand down to lift us up. He takes us when we are at our most broken, re-shapes us, and makes us into the tools of His will that we were made to be.

Remember, if you think it's me telling you these things and that I may understand where you've been and where you are, it's not. I don't understand it. God told me these things, He gave me these words to speak to you that you would come to Him, that He could hold you in His arms. I will try and understand, if you want to talk with me, but God knows even better than I ever will. Please let Him take control of your life, no matter how messed up it is, and He will hold you in His arms and guide you the rest of your days. God will help you come to Him with your pain.